Let me preface, there is more to every type of art than I can ever explain, much less fully perceive. This is merely a young artist pontificating on the meaning of art in her own existence. Art is art and it is life. Here is an example of Two Dimensional Art. (Starry Night by Vincent Van Goh) I took this picture of Van Goh's Starry Night at the Museum of Modern Art while I cried silently to myself, surrounded by enamored strangers. Two Dimensional Art takes space. It lives within a plane that only exists side to side and up and down. Flat. It uses only the sense of sight to be understood. Here is an example of Three Dimensional Art. Three dimensional art takes up space from side to side, up and down, and back and front. Volume. It incorporates touch. Presence in the physical form- not sentient presence, all art has this. This piece is by Frank Stella. I also stood before this painting, stretching high above me and far past me. It seemed to reach out to me in the way the structure takes up space in front. Here is an example of Fourth Dimensional Art ("Falling Slowly" from the n=musical Once by Glan Hansard and Marketa Irglova) Fourth Dimensional Art involves time. Time and Space and Sound. The way it is understood is through experiencing it through a specific and curated time. You experience this through listening and experiencing in tandem with its continual creation and recreation. Fifth Dimensional Art is art that is layers all of these dimensions. JT and Robert on So You Think You Can Dance Beyonce Lemonade Benedict Cumberbatch as Hamlet in Hamlet by William Shakespeare performing the monologue "To be or not to be..." You not only experience it through time, sound, sight, and space. But you experience it through a collective-ness. It’s a together art and an all at once art. It can not be repeated over and over again in the same way. It is ever changing. It is infinite. This is why I want to act. Theatre transcends me above the dimensions of imposed reality and allows me to exist as a transcendent version of myself. Acting accesses the part of myself without a name and gives it room to be free. Dammit. I didn’t intend for this to be a commentary on acting. But. Acting, fifth Dimensional Art, demands honesty. Not the type of honesty you are taught as a child. It is not a moral honesty. It is above that. It is encompassing that. This honesty is the honesty of animals and plants. It is the honesty of existing exactly as you are. It is the honesty of radical empathy. It is the honesty of the second circle. (watch video below) I recently experienced what it felt like to be lost inside myself. It felt nothing less than a black hole, sitting right behind my sternum, simply sucking and sucking and sucking forever. It never ceased. It never lessened it just continued to destroy.
And long after I felt as if I had nothing left of myself to destroy, I began to see the beauty in it. There is an other side to the black hole. There is. And it is called acceptance. And it is everything. There is creation. And there is destruction. Together they are everything. But I do not believe that destruction is bad and creation is good. I believe they are the same. They are infinity. They are both attempts at truth until we finally find it. They are honest. We have that inside ourselves. We must sometimes destroy ourselves to create and create ourselves to destroy. We are fifth Dimensional Art. We are infinite. See beauty in that. Because only after acceptance, found in our second circle, can we be honest. And only in honesty can we truly live. Thank you for experiencing this. These are things I have been thinking about, creating from, and trying to understand for so long. And I’ve begun the journey to really understanding them. I feel reborn but somehow with all the benefits of having already lived. I hope to goodness that maybe these words reached you, held your heart, maybe your black hole, and gave you what you needed. Do not judge yourself for your destruction. The nature of the universe is that while there is destruction there must be creation. They are balance and they are true. Do not be afraid to be honest about them. I love you. Thank you.
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"Often, not getting what you want saves you from disaster later. Learn to see the blessings in disguise." - The Better Man Project
"Even if you go for it and it doesn't work out, you still win. You had the guts to head straight into something that frightened you. That type of bravery will take you places." - The Better Man Project Dear Maggie Thank you for your attending your recent second round audition. Sadly, we regret to advise that, on this occasion, the Panel did not recall you to the final recall auditions. The decision of the Panel members is based on their experience and artistic judgment; they assess applicants’ suitability for the particular training offered at Guildhall, which may well differ from that of other drama schools. The panel thought you found simple truth, some fire and humour in your work. However, they would have liked to have seen more evidence of cost, flexibility of rhythm, depth and commitment to emotion; you gave a good, articulate interview. We very much enjoyed having you with us for the Preliminary Acting Course and hope you found it helpful and worthwhile. On behalf of the School, we wish you well with your studies and future career. With best wishes Martin Connor Head of Acting Training This is the email I recently received from Guildhall after completing my second round audition to get into the three year acting course. It is not fun to be told "no", in any circumstance- even if you know that that is what is best for you. Going in to the audition I knew that I wasn't ready for drama school. There are multiple reasons that now is not my time. One, I need to live a little more life. I need to experience things, people, and simply living before I can commit a majority of my time and energy to an intensive three years at Guildhall. I want to be able to give everything I've got to drama school and right now I need to give everything I've got to the next adventure the Universe has in store for me. Next, we were told over and over again that there is not one path to your dream of becoming an actor. There are infinite ways you can go about this and the only one that is going to work in your favor is the one that is best for you. The only way to find that path is to listen to your gut, be okay with what happens, never ever give up, and pursue your dream with bravery, passion, positivity, mindfulness, and love. You are the only person that knows what is best for you, and no one else's path is better or worse than yours. I truly believe this. Lastly, I struggled immensely with missing my loved ones and my home. Ironically, I was outspoken and passionate about how badly I wanted to be away from home. That wanderlust and need for adventure has not left, I will always have that. But, I have gained a deep and true appreciation of my home. A home that I will always keep in me and return to after traveling. The idea of being away from my loved ones for three years and only returning for brief periods, at this point in life, makes my heart ache already. I would not be able to commit myself fully to the training when I missed family and friends that much. The people I love are the most important part of my life and always will be. Never sacrifice your dreams, but there is always a way to have both the people you love and your dreams- it might just be a different path than what you expected ;) So, yes, I am disappointed I didn't get a recall to the final round audition. It sucks to be told "no". But, being told "no" in the acting world does not mean they are telling you "you are not good enough". Because that is not the truth. My dream still, is to train in acting in London, I don't think I could get rid of that dream even if I tried. But, I have another dream: to live as magically as possible. And dwelling on the fact that I didn't get into Guildhall this year will not make my life full of magic. Feeling like I am not good enough will not make me better. Doubting myself will not reveal truth. So, I intend on living a grand adventure. I am going to go to college and explore. This means, I want to study art, of course theatre, and maybe even some astrophysics. Whatever happens in the next four years of my life, before I audition for drama school again, will be grand. And then, no I won't necessarily be ready for drama school, because no one is ever fully ready for anything, nor should they wait until they are. But, I will be capable of giving myself to the training in order to live my dream as an actress. My advice for anyone, not just aspiring actors, is to be brave. Always. To follow your gut and be okay with being impulsive. The best things in my life have come from that. To love yourself, because no matter what happens, you are enough, and sometimes bad things really are a blessing in disguise (no matter how cliche and impossible that sounds) To elaborate on this, I struggled the first few months of being away, I struggled so much that I didn't see my own growth until I conquered those struggles. And I am better for it. I am stronger and more passionate and more loving and more understanding and imaginative than I was. I am more myself for having struggled. Those struggles were a blessing even though they really really sucked. Anyways, on to the next great adventure. Allons-y! My tenth week in London is about to start! I was talking to Guerin on Skype and he suddenly stopped and went "Whoa...you're actually in London..." This is how I feel most times. I explained to my friends here that this honestly all does not feel real. Sometimes, when things are hard, it feels all too real, but then if I think about it for even a second its all like a dream. Not necessarily a good or bad dream...just a dream. Like everything I am experiencing here is a bubble. I look down sometimes and realize that the routine way I walk to school in the morning is along a road that is in LONDON. This concept just...baffles me. For most of the nine weeks I have been here I viewed where I am as a place that isn't home...not always in a negative way. But realizing that I am in London is quite astonishing at times.
Then I realize that this four month bubble will end. Here is where mixed feelings come in. I have grown to love the friends I have made and the theatre at Guildhall so deeply that they have become a part of me. In a very different sense than home is a part of me. I miss my home- the trees, the fresh air, the food, the people, the culture, the places I know and have memories at, my bed, the ease of living, and most of all my family, my friends, and my love. I will miss this place I know. In a sense this has been at the back of my head and I am desperately trying to make the most of every second I have with these friends and this class. In a sense, I am dreading the inevitability of missing people and a place yet again. But I think...this time...when I finally arrive home I will miss this place not with sadness but with an overwhelming sense that it HAPPENED. I WENT to LONDON and I had an AMAZING time there, while also difficult, and these people and this experience will always be with me. It is not my forever place but it will have a forever place inside of me as I go on in life adventuring. This adventure has taught me that there will always be another adventure but always always always hold on to what means the most to you. Storytime: We had one class, not too long ago, that was one of those moments that I will never forget. Before the class started I was dealing with some personal struggles. Deep homesickness being a large part of it. I was already in a vulnerable state, holding back tears but doing a pretty good job of hiding it. Just one of those moments where it hit me unexpectedly. But before class started all my friends and I began a vicious game of dodgeball that somehow led into an all out- lights down- loud music dance party. We all jumped and danced and sang our hearts out together feeling completely open and alive. Then...our director walked in and, beaming over what he had just witnessed, asked us all to lay on the floor. This, was the point where it became excruciatingly hard for me to hold back tears. I had just been opened up by pure adrenaline and joy and the feelings of homesickness and inevitable loneliness started seeping out of me. Our director led us through an exercise where we had to say "Maybe people think I'm..." and fill in the last part with our insecurities. As we progressed I began to cry harder until I couldn't hide it anymore. But then something magical happen.d. I wasn't the only one. Surrounding me were my friends and I could hear their sobs too, from whatever was going on in their lives, in their hearts, and in this moment we were all open together. We stood, speaking our deepest insecurities aloud, crying to each other on a Thursday afternoon. We kept going, speaking our insecurities aloud, one at a time, running around the room. "Maybe people think I'm fake" is what I said. Then...then we said "But FUCK IT!" "Maybe people think I am fake but, FUCK IT! BUT FUCK IT! FUCK IT!" because in the end that is where bravery lies...in the moments you are scared but you just "fuck it." After this ordeal we had a break where ten minutes of hugging commenced and a long hilarious conversation about mishaps throughout our lives brought smiles to our faces. That moment i felt all my walls crumble as I was brave and vulnerable and really really myself among others that were doing the same. I've had so few experiences like that but I believe that now...now I can have more because i know what it is like to struggle and I know what it is like to push through that and be brave. I am so ready for the hard work that is coming the next three weeks as we prepare for our auditions and for our showing at the end. There will be late, late, nights and many hours of rehearsal but we are doing something amazing! Anyways, there is just another snapshot of life in London with Maggs. As always, thank you for reading. Be brave :) "I was gone for a minute but I'm back now." -"Everybody" by Logic
What do you want? Really want it. Want it. Want it more than anything you have ever wanted. Then let go. This, I have learned, is one of the ideas upon which all true acting happens. This is so because of true acting is living. In life we want things, We want to kiss. We want to touch. We want to fight. We want to discover. We want to sleep. We want to eat. We want to love. We want to be loved. We want to be understood. But in order to live and in oder to get these things that we need as humans we have to let go. We must simply be. Now in acting we must "simply be" within circumstances that are imagined. We are studying Julius Caesar at Guildhall ,which, on the surface, seems to be about big ideas such as justice, revenge, politics, freedom, etc. It is on one level. But, when it is really studied, it is quite a personal story. The relationships within the story drive it because each character has deep wants that hinge on the other characters. there is no room in their lives for them to censor themselves. They must speak. If they don't speak they could lose everything. "The weight of this sad time we must obey. Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say. The oldest hath borne most. We that are young Shall never see so much, nor live so long." - King Lear Act 5 Scene 3 In our lives sometimes we want something with all of our being but we censor ourselves. We don't REALLY speak. I have censored myself my entire life. Most all of us have. Its an instinct to protect that part of us that we don't quite understand. So, what do I want? ... Well what do you do when you don't know what you want? I know that I want, more than anything, to actively love and be loved by the ones I care about the most with my entire existence. I want to make art that tells stories and inspires. I want to be happy and make people happy. That is one thing this course has taught me- more than anything- is that I wan to live in a constant state of intense bravery- enough to truly love and be happy. I have stated before hat this course was the hardest thing I have ever done because I am so far from the ones I love. I needed this course. I am sure it still has so much more to teach me while I struggle onwards back towards what I love. It will forever be one experience that completely changed my life. SO, besides the existential meaning of life what is London like? THERE IS NOT A SINGLE ICE CUBE IN ALL OF BRITAIN. Always check the number of the bus because if you don't you could get on the 153 bus instead of the 56 bus and end up three streets over from where you live. Walk about ten feet behind smokers unless you also want to smoke. Dip your twit bars in hot tea for the best culinary experience of your life. Two things that are better here are bookstores and almond milk. Unfortunately Halloween isn't. And obviously neither is thanksgiving. But birthdays are a HUGE deal at Guildhall- the full works of cakes and loud drama kid singing. My classmates are amazing. Each individual is intensely inspiring, funny, brave, and creative in their own ways and I am grateful b to have met them. I am also grateful for them putting up with my constant questions of "what does that mean?" "Is this or that different here?" "Where I am from...." And for always making sure I know how to get home safe:) Pants means underwear...found that out the hard way after shouting that I had no pants in the middle of a crowd. Things are generally less sweet here. Their fast food is more like Panera than McDonalds and Sonic. Pret has quickly consumed my soul. So that is no where near everything I wanted to say- or everything that I have experienced- Each day is like an entire week. I really am enjoying this course, its no less hard than it was six weeks ago, but I am leaning how to just be, to not apologize for everything, to have my artistic autonomy, and to let go. All of these things were in me already, I just had to let down some walls. Six more weeks of a grand acting adventure! Eight more weeks till my love arrives! And ten more weeks in Europe...then...more adventure in the great wide world. Thanks for reading mates! Holy. Shit.
I wish I had lots of wonderful things to say about my first week in London- but if I am being honest- I had a horrible first week. Homesickness is crippling at any distance, but with an ocean between me and all of the people I love, it has been debilitating. Acting is my dream. I have preached for years now about the altruistic-ness of acting and the bravery, empathy, passion, and selflessness that must go into it. I found Guildhall about a year ago after researching where Ewen McGregor went to school. I thought, after years of being told that I wasn't good enough for my dream, that I had found a way to prove that I was. That's the thing about dreams. They are powerful. Having one leads you to do amazing things, things that were only possible with extreme passion, extreme belief, and extreme hard work. I worked for six months to perfect my skills enough to hopefully make it into the school of my dreams. In January of this year my mother traveled with me to New York City to enable me to audition. I auditioned and made it into the Preliminary Acting Course. It seemed for a little while that my dreams had come true. But then my life changed drastically. A series of events, all happening in a short amount of time, stripped away everything that had built up around my heart and made me realize something: My dream is to be happy and to make the people I love happy. The most important thing, in this Universe, is love. If you have that, never let it go. Then I had to move away from all of the people I love most. And that is when my greatest dream became a vehicle for my greatest fears to take control of me. So, I am homesick as hell and I am in a place where I am barely treading water. Believe it or not, while the British speak English, it is still almost a different language. The culture is shockingly different than my own, the colloquialisms, the things they talk about, the national experiences are totally different.. I've almost gotten hit by very many cars. It is surprisingly difficult to feed oneself. Goodness. My class is everything I had hoped it'd be and also everything I feared it'd be. The training is incredible. It is non-discriminatory. It does not set limits on me, in fact, it tells me that I have infinite potential. Quite unlike what I have experienced before. But I find myself completely lost- all the time. We are supposed to feel this way, we have been assured by multiple professors of this, but acting has always been something that I understood to the core of my being and now it feels so separate from me instead of so intrinsic. And I miss the intrinsic closeness I had with it before. So it has been a hard week. All of my learning curves happened at the same time. And are still happening. They probably won't stop until I leave this place and return home. Return home to the people I love, so that I can live my true dream. Until then, I'll get everything I can out of this class, while it kicks my ass completely. I'll attempt to enjoy the struggle, and I'll find happiness by remembering to turn on the light. Cheerio. "I'd rather be completely open about myself and who I am. I'd rather you know the real me, I'd rather be vulnerable and trust then withhold and close up, even if it ends." -Erin G. F. I struggle, and always have, with the fear that I will be perceived in a certain light that I have deemed negative. The specific "light" that I feared at any given time in my life has changed as I have. Currently, I do not want to appear clingy, broken, or helpless. I am none of these things. I am exceptionally passionate...all the time...and exceptionally emotional...about everything. Because of these two things alongside the fact that I am not ready to be away from my loved ones, I am holding on tight to every moment. I am not afraid of them leaving me...I am wary of the inevitable intense missing of them. I am not broken. I am strong. Strength comes from a mixture of sadness and happiness, good times and bad, yin and yang. I am not helpless. I am afraid of being on my own. I am not good with mundane day to day procedures, but I CAN and WILL take care of myself out there.
Sometimes I just need to listen to "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin and do a few dance moves. Then all those worries, all these false perceptions I place on myself through the eyes of others, disappear into the beat. I am passionate. I am brave. I am strong. I am happy. I am adventuring. Be vulnerable. Please. Struggling with something does not make you broken. It does not make you weak. In fact, I think it makes you human. I have never once thought someone was broken because something made them sad or they were worried. I've never once thought someone broken when they were struggling. I've thought them human. I've thought of them in shades of colors. But never broken. And that one struggle or worry or sadness does not define them. It does not define you. It does not define me. So share. Be vulnerable.
"Darling, you are not atlas, you cannot carry the entire world upon your shoulders alone." - words I repeat to myself over and over I will help you carry your world. Keep the people around that help you carry your world and also let you help them carry theirs'. Be vulnerable. Fear. Biting lips. Jutted out jaw. The word escapes from the mouth with power. Ironic. Intrinsically, fear usurps power from the heart and turns it into the energy feeding cowardice. There is a point when we get to choose whether or not fear will overcome us. The trouble arises when we think we have no choice, when we are so blinded by our fear that we cannot see past it enough to remember what it was like in the world without it. The stronger we are, the stronger the fear must be to overcome us. With great highs come great lows. To have great courage one must face great fear. We sometimes fool ourselves into thinking the darkness of our fear is merely a passionate purple, a cosmic blue, or an angry red and we blindly mix our human color with fear until the color we were is stained with the ink of being afraid.
I am afraid. I am afraid of many things. I am afraid I am not good enough to be an actress. I am afraid that I cannot change the world. I am afraid that I cannot make people feel what I feel when I watch a beautiful piece of theatre. I am afraid that I am not living fully. I am afraid I am too focused on myself. I am afraid that I will never be good enough, stable enough, selfless enough, confident enough, to be loved. I am afraid of being left behind in an instant. I am afraid of never satisfying the one I love because I am either unsatisfying or they are never satisfied. I am afraid of being so afraid of not satisfying, not being good enough, that I lose myself and become a self fulfilling prophecy. I am afraid of taking too much. I am afraid of both giving too much and not giving enough. I am afraid of loneliness. I am afraid of loss. I am afraid of death when I have so much life to live. I am afraid of being afraid. What a conundrum. What a hubbub of useless fears. After reading back through this list I felt each fear individually as I reread it. The supposed transience of each fear is a lie when I give each fear deep thought daily. But then my eyes refocused. When I wasn’t staring intently, focusing all my energy, on reading and rereading my fears, they were just a list. My deepest secrets, my deepest monsters, are merely words I choose to repeat like a monologue. I refuse to be my own tragedy. Being afraid is not what defines us as cowards. It is not what stains our souls. It is the moment after you realize you are scared- when you have a choice- it is what you do then that defines you. I am good enough to be an actress because I believe in empathy, bravery, love, and the power of stories. I am able to change the world because I am strong enough to persevere against the injustices that need changing. I know that I cannot make people feel anything, I cannot determine their moods or thoughts or reactions, but I can make art. I am soaking up every moment and ALLOW myself to live fully. I am extending my empathy in the smallest moment, in every unpriced smile, in every roadside interaction. I am loving. Simply loving unconditionally. I am trusting that the one I love is honest with me and me with them. In my heart I know this to be true love. I am giving what I have, expecting those I love and who love me to give love, and for the Universe to give back so that I may be happy too. I am never lonely within myself, my family, my friends, my love. I am holding on to the things that will hold back. I am making every moment count. I am brave despite my fears. Be brave. Be brave not to eliminate fear but to overcome it. I have started a blog at a time in my life when everything is changing. This is the beginning of a great adventure. Falling in love. Following my Dream. Creating myself. And holding on to those that mean the most. I am navigating life with a compass for my heart, words for my mind, and people for my soul.
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